January 30, 2012


Have you ever been so tired that it hurts to stay awake, and it's only 10am? That was me today. I found myself begging for sleep before I was even out of bed this morning. I knew it wasn't going to happen, but for some reason just begging for it seems to help. I turned off my alarm the first time it went off, with absolutely no intentions of really waking up. Ever.

Josh nudged me a few times and I knew I had to get up. I groggily dragged myself to the kitchen to make french toast for breakfast. I sliced up a loaf of homemade bread and coated each slice in a delicious milk/egg/cinnamon mixture. It smelled wonderful. (I didn't eat any of it, I had breakfast about 4 hours later. My sliced deli chicken meat with a glass of warmed up, low sodium V8. It was heavenly.)

Josh was helping in the kitchen when he got a page for an open shift. He took the shift and was out the door probably 30 minutes later. I found myself trying to scurry to get lunches made and the children ready.

I barely got the boys out the door in time for school. After dropping Zackary off at the bus stop - about 30 seconds before the bus arrived - Maddox and I returned home. I should have done the breakfast dishes. I should have done laundry. I should have cleaned house. I should have played with Maddox. I should have brushed my teeth. I should have made my bed. Yea, didn't happen.

Instead of being even slightly productive, I opted for dead weight today. Maddox snuggled in my lap and we watched Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, not once-but twice. He would occasionally jump off my lap in search of a costume modifier. That meant I would sit in the chair by myself and wait a couple of minutes before he asked for help finding something.

We searched for and found a gun and sword, a gun holster, a sheath for his sword, Martial Arts belts that doubled as ropes, a pirate hat, and something that had to serve as Barbossa's wooden-bottle-leg. I suppose you could say that we didn't really do a lot of sitting after all. Come to think of it, even though we weren't "playing", most of the morning with him was still spent working on dress up.

I cleaned up the kitchen when Maddox went down for his nap. Then I drug myself to the shower because I knew I had to be presentable for part of the day. The warm water and my laid back music felt oh so good. I brushed my teeth. I felt a smidgen more alive.

In what felt like 20 minutes, it was time to get Cody and Zackary from school. Cody was delayed and I had to fill the space with Zackary and Maddox in tow. We went to the library because Zackary wanted to get a book for another Scouting achievement he wants to work on. And we went to the Scout store to purchase a replacement badge that was lost after it had been ironed on. And finally, Cody was ready.

It was only 40 minutes past his normal pick-up time. We picked up Cody and then went to the dry cleaners to pick up a pillow that was probably ready for pickup on Tuesday. Maddox threw up all over this pillow last Saturday. It was brought in to the cleaners that same day, and then forgotten.

We got home and I felt as though all the life was sucked out of me like a black hole. Dinner was lame, just some reheated beans for bean burritos. I let the boys have a carpet picnic and eat their dinner while watching TV.
I would close my eyes for a few seconds at a time. Just long enough for the burn to reside. I had a hard time speaking clearly today or formulating thoughts. Making my body move was a chore. Getting the boys to bed on time was a joke at best. My lame mumbling of orders (Eat your dinner, brush your teeth, take a bath, go to bed ...) were hardly recognized.

And now, Cody has just finished his homework and gone to bed. That's my cue to take another shower and follow suit. The house isn't cleaned and nothing was accomplished today. I guess that's okay.

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